My new Tattoo is a week old today. It’s different to the other tattoos that I have. I spent forever finalising the design and even longer researching a tattoo artist, but i finally got it done last Tuesday.
I have other tattoos – one on my shoulder that I researched in the library with my best friend when we were meant to be revising for our A-Levels and we got the moment we turned eighteen. The other, is stars on my back, that both of my sisters also have.
I know Tattoos are often quite controversial and I am still not sure how to act with it in front of the other mum’s outside the nursery. No-one seems to care in the slightest…it is just me that is worried about what people think, which is wrong of me, as I was absolutely certain about getting this one done.
It is an infinity symbol of my two daughter’s names and it is on my wrist. Totally cliche, fairly boring as far as tattoos go, but I love it. It is perfect.
Everyone who sees it says the same thing: “what if you have another one?” Well, I know we definitely won’t. Not after how emotionally draining it was even getting to where we are now.
We conceived Sydney fairly easily. I say fairly easily, I did miscarry the first pregnancy but got pregnant the month after. Morgan took a year to conceive and I miscarried three times in that twelve months, and had to have an operation to remove one of babies because they weren’t growing. I can barely talk about it all still but it seems easier in a way to write it down.
The whole year was spent plotting ovulation charts, taking temperatures, swallowing a combination of herbs and vitamins and a whole year of hoping and praying. When I finally fell pregnant in the twevelth month of trying, I spent the entire pregnancy thinking something would go wrong. I got obsessed with pregnancy tests and not the cheap ones, those full on, expensive ones which showed how many weeks you were. I used to watch it climb every few days and then after that I was reliant on repeated scans, both at the hospital and privately, because no amount of money could put a price on how important it was for me to see that she was still there and still growing. It was only when I held Morgan is my arms that I felt safe and like I could breathe again. I felt my shoulders ease themselves down again for this first time in over a year and I felt happy.
I can never put myself or Jack through that level of emotion again. I am happy and secure with our girls and our family and just want to put everything I have into them and how we bring them up. Whenever I think about having another baby, I can never get past how hard it was conceiving Morgan; and how much of me was lost during that time.
So, that’s how I know. That’s how I know that my family and my tattoo are complete, and why I wanted to get it done – to remind me of that, everyday.